Surviving Unemployment: A Step By Step Process

The nervousness everyone expresses over the skyrocketing unemployment rates is completely unwarranted. Think of the suspense unemployment brings to your daily existence as you stare into your cabinets, watching the food slowly disappear, and the unutterable thrill of being told day after day by potential employers that you are either unwanted or not useful. People, especially college students and others just stepping into the world of commerce, are clearly unequipped to deal with this profitable epoch in their lives. Here is a step-by-step process especially designed for the newly unemployed to help you make the most of your unemployment and get an interview at the end of it.

Find jobs you are qualified for and begin filling out applications, polishing your resume, and specifying your cover letter. Yes, it is a pain to repeatedly need to dig up your information: a former employer’s address, a reference’s phone number, but if you’re lucky by the time someone has given you a job offer, you’ll have every phone number of every one of your previous employers memorized, along with any miscellaneous addresses or other tidbits applications require.

A person who has recently sent out a first batch of applications often has symptoms of hope, excitement, anticipation, and confidence. You may even entertain yourself by wondering what you’ll do if more than one employer wants you.  Do not panic, these symptoms will pass.

After waiting a decent amount of time, you will need to contact the people you applied to; reminding them that you would like a job with their company. Before informing you that they are not hiring, some companies offer, free of charge, a half an hour or more sitting on the phone being passed around between departments. At this point, it is advisable to hang up and bang your head against the wall. This exercise provides mental stimulus that will invigorate your memory as you fill out more applications. Moderation is advised, due to the unimpressive nature of appearing at an interview with large bruises blotching on your head. 

You will no doubt have less difficulty with delusions of success this time around.

If you find yourself humming hold music later on in the day, do not be alarmed.

Please refrain from bitter comments towards your friends and relatives during this stage. You have no need to worry: there is still a jar of peanut butter and some stale bread left in the cabinet for you to survive on.

No doubt by this time you will have discovered some errors in the resumes you have previously sent out, errors no doubt stemming from misplaced confidence in the American economy and your own employability. Confidence is no longer a problem, and you can apply your energies to being flawless.

Get several people to check your resume for errors both grammatical and glaring. Do not, for instance, allow your resume to inform the interviewer that you wish to gain a position as a Grill Cook, when you are applying for a job as Barn Manager. Also, (ladies) if you have recently changed your name, remember to use the new name, not the old one.

Someday someone will call you and ask for an interview. In that critical moment, do not let your excitement distract you. Do not gibber and point excitedly to the phone when someone walks past. It is important to know what job you are interviewing for. It is also important to know where it is. With this information, you begin your march towards a successful interview.

Hopefully these step by step instructions will give the uninitiated into job-hunting a few pointers and help as they deal with this exciting point in their lives.